Breaking point

I should be asleep, it's mid-morning o'clock, but I've got to vent.

I'm just so sick of being sick. It sounds silly but its the only thing I can say, honestly. I wake up mid-afternoon, stay bleary eyed and flopped for a couple hours while I catch up on email, blogs and forums, play a little KoL (kingdom of loathing - I have just discovered it and it is the wonderful anti-drug for a bedridden sick kyrie), turn on KoL radio and maybe decide on what I'll stitch for the day. about five-ish i usually start stitching on whatever it is, and hang around on the net talking to people occasionally, with breaks in between to nap or just rest my eyes, take panamax every so often and eat dinner whenever its served, often in bed. Dishes put on the floor to be carried out by someone else or me next time I go out there (extra trips arent worth the fatigue) I go back to my stitching or crash on the net for a while longer, until late when I finally go to sleep because I've exhausted myself and the exhaustion wins over my anxiety about what the hell I have because noone knows and then repeat process again.

I should read more psalms, the angry ones where the psalmist bitches to God about how his life sucks, but still acknowledges the good in the universe and life. Im just so frustrated.

The girls are good though - I put Jez or Fia on my bed and they run around exploring or snuggling, and sometimes I get Champers out if I have a bit more energy - shes nuts and takes lots of keeping an eye on! Fun though. Rats are good bed-pets, they're small and dont take up much space but have big personalities and are very snuggly. Its fun being able to watch them from my bed too because theyre most active at dawn and dusk and while I don't get to see them at dawn (unless my insomnia is REALLY bad) I get to see them being adorable at dusk. Troy and I gave them lots of tissue paper that was left over from a gift I got a while ago, and they've been happily rearranging it the last few days and moving their nest around.

I guess the hardest thing is having to accept my futility at this point in time - I am so weak that five minutes out of the house is long enough for me to be dizzy and disoriented or falling asleep (or all of the above!) and basically all activities are confined to my bed and I don't like it. Im so used to being a busybody that cant stand not to be doing anything and here I am so weak that theres only a few hours a day that I can do anything. Im having to accept my invalid status and some days i can do that, some days I can't. Today has been a 'can't' day, and I've stopped feeling guilty for that too. As long as I'm not wallowing, ups and downs are natural and I wouldnt be human if this never bothered me - Id be Cousin Helen out of the Katy books (what katy did, et al) though at least she had her human side too. I think I need to reread the Katy books too! I identify a lot more with Katy than with Helen, I have to admit. I'm not a patient invalid, I want to be up and doing things and achieving things and here I have to achieve things slowly, bit by little bit. I get things done on my stitching pieces, and feel the sense of achievement and that helps, but I wish there was more...oh well.

I also hate how hard this is on Troy. He wants to look after me but this is the busiest part of his semester and everything's due so he has to do his work and it kills him not to be able to be looking after me. I hate it too, I wish that he didnt feel this way, or more honestly, that the deadlines weren't all now so he could look after me the way he wants to. Hes done it before and he's an excellent carer, the perfect amount of sensitivity and drill camp sargeant when I need it. He just takes things in his stride, at least outwardly, and its wonderful the way he seems so nonplussed in the moment when everything seems to be falling apart for me. Later he can be human and it can be my turn to hug him, but he looks after me so well. If this ends up being a permanent thing, as is my paranoia...he is so getting a carer's recognition as soon as we find that out, because he deserves to be recognised for what he does.

On a completely different note, I've spent tonight with hundreds of skeins of floss over my bed sorting them so that I get a master set of DMC from all the smaller projects I've had kitted up - I've bought skeins of floss for every colour of a lot of charts, and I can't start them all now and I've never had issues with DMC dye lots. So Ive dumped them all in together, but its a case of sorting them and stitchbow-ing them and putting them in binders. Good fun though, and a good in-bed project because ive got plenty of blank space to use on my bedspread. All those pretty colours :) stash fondling is nice. I ran out of stitchbows and sheets, so Hannah is going to buy me some more tomorrow, but I still made a good amount of progress I think. I've been taking the colours out that I need for this 10 rows across both pages of A Restful Night though, because I'm going to stick to one HAED for the time being unless I get lots of energy to work on the big ones, and I'm going to use the method I used when I was sick last year on hope where I work across the 10 rows, parking, allowing myself to stitch any stitch that was below a completed stitch and also right of one. So sort of working down and across at the same time. Its a wonderful way to deal with confetti, and also very methodical which means it's not at all taxing on my brain which isnt working the greatest at the moment. I pull the colours for the current set of 10 rows at the beginning of each, so that I dont have too many colours to sort though, and it is kind of like weaving. I enjoy it, anyway. Will be nice to see the froggy come alive, I'm a much faster stitcher now than I was then! Especially as I'm stitching on 32ct jobelan which I love as opposed to 25ct linen which I hate...lol...when I've knocked off my current WIP QSs and Red Witch, at least, I might give hope another go on the 32ct linen. We'll see. The blues in A Restful Night are also very calming - blue is my hope colour, and my calming colour, so I like working with it. And wearing it, and....*giggles* I actually don't have that much blue clothing though, I wear a lot of browns, reds, creams and pinks instead. Never green except for school (I look atrocious in most shades of it) and not yellow either unless its pale, but all of those colours lots and lots. Especially wine reds...yum.

And to finish off - a couple cats. Because everyone needs more kitty cuteness in their life.

this one is so completely me at the moment...

aaaand this is me now. Goodnight.